The Tasks of Mourning

Most of us are familiar with Elizabeth Keubler-Ross’s model of the stages of grief. What many people don’t know is that her model was based on individuals coping with news of their own imminent death. While the grief process for dying individuals is similar in some ways to the processes for those coping with the death of a loved one, there are also differences.

Grief is a process. On one hand, this process happens to us and we need to be able to roll with the punches. Yet on the other hand, we have some control over the progress of our grieving. Stage models like the Ross model suggest that we move passively through grief. The task model presented here, based on the works of William Worden and Alan Wolfelt, suggests our active participation. Tasks are things that, when done, lead to predictable outcomes. They empower us a times when we may otherwise feel helpless or victimized, overwhelmed by circumstances beyond our control. By working with the tasks of mourning, we can influence the course and duration of our grief.

We can ask ourselves, “Is my behavior or feeling helping with one or more of the tasks of mourning?” If so, we can feel validated to continue it. If not, we might begin to make different choices, or perhaps seek outside support. There may be times during our grief process that one or more of the tasks feels impossible. We must honor this, trusting that in our town time we will be able to confront each task. If we have concern that our ability to face a task is not improving for a long time, this is a cue to seek outside support. Finally, we do not move through these tasks in a linear fashion; they are interwoven. We may work with one or more tasks for a while, then find ourselves moving on to others, and then later, revisiting the old ones again at deeper levels. We must trust our own course and pace. Here are the tasks:

To Accept the Reality of the Loss

When someone dies, even if it is expected, an initial feeling that it hasn’t really happened is natural. This disbelief, shock, numbness and feeling of unreality serves as a protector from complete emotional overwhelm, allowing the reality to sink in gradually, at a pace we can manage. Over time, however, we much fully face and feel the reality and permanence of the death. Here are some things that help:

  • participate in memorial activities, which validate the reality of the death
  • talk about the death, the circumstances around the death, the funeral
  • share memories of the deceased

To Experience and Express Outside Ourselves the Pain of Grief

Pain is a natural part of grief, and anything that suppresses this pain can be expected to prolong the mourning process. Some examples of this pain are recurrent thoughts of images of the deceased, sadness, anger, guilt, fear, relief, and spiritual doubts. Physical discomfort and even illness also commonly accompany grief. Expression of emotional pain is important. Here are some things that help:

  • allow painful reminders of the deceased to remain on our environment for some time
  • find time to feel and release our feelings
  • make use of journaling, collage, or other creative projects to assist in this expression
  • talk to safe others; join a grief group
  • listen to sad music or watch sad movies if you feel your tears are stuck
  • exercise
  • avoid medicating the feelings

To Adjust to an Environment from Which the Deceased is Missing

We are faced with constant reminders that the deceased is gone, and over time we must begin to deal with the many changes in our lives that result from their absence. We need to adapt our visions of the future, which will no longer include the deceased. Often we will be in the process of redefining who we are, if we are no longer someone’s partner, spouse, child, parent, sibling, friend, or other role. For many, this task also includes revision of our basic beliefs about life, the creator and the cosmos. Here are some things that help:

  • avoid major life changing decisions too soon after the loss
  • use support systems to bolster ourselves as we redefine ourselves
  • set a place at the meal table for the deceased for a while and on special occasions
  • journal or tell a friend about the times you see the deceased in dreams or think you see them driving down the street

To Develop a Relationship with Accurate Memories of the Deceased

As we gradually come to terms with the death and the many resultant changes in our lives, we begin to notice a shift occurring: our relationship with the once-living person becomes a relationship with memories of them. We must personalize, honor, and sustain that memorial relationship. Through this we find a place for the deceased in our emotional lives that both acknowledges the ways they live on in us and empowers us to live and love again. In early grief, it is common for us to remember mostly the good things (or in very painful relationships, the bad things). But over time, we must face the aspects of the deceased and our relationship with them that were less than perfect (or in difficult relationships, were good). We must come to terms with any unfinished business we might have with them. An important part of this task is to recognize and celebrate (and sometimes grieve) the ways this person’s presence (or absence) in our lives has shaped who we are today.

Here are some things that help:

  • forgive ourselves and them for past hurts, failures and misunderstandings
  • journal, look at old pictures, and reminisce
  • give ourselves permission to have this person in our hearts and memories forever
  • find ways to externalize, symbolize and keep alive that relationship
  • talk or journal about the ways in which the deceased lives on in us
  • talk to others who honor our relationship with the deceased and who knew them well

Invest in Other Activities and Relationships

While many of us feel like hibernating with our grief, the process is made easier with a healthy balance of time with other people and activities. In addition, after what may seem like a long time, we begin to notice that our attention is now always on the deceased person. We realize that several hours and even days might pass without our thinking of them. We notice that we are gradually able to participate in life again, enjoying other relationships and activities easily. Some of us fear that we will forget our deceased loved one or that in moving on we are dishonoring them or replacing them. This task is not about forgetting or replacing, but about becoming a person changed by loss who is able to love again. Here are some things that help:

  • make plans with others and stick to them
  • talk or journal about fears or guilt we have about letting go
  • keep pictures around and set aside times to memorialize and reminisce so we honor our deceased loved ones while we venture out into life

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