Helping the Grieving Child

Children's grief should be seen as an ongoing life process that is approachable through words, activities and non-verbal communication. Educators can use this understanding to create a safe environment for parents, teachers and children to acknowledge and process difficult feelings.

So often adults rely on the prevailing myth that children are too young too grieve. When a child is capable of loving, he is capable of grieving. Yet many of today's children are born into a world of grief issues that await them inside their homes and outside their neighborhoods. Boys and girls are becoming increasingly traumatized by these prevailing social and societal loss issues in their homes, in their schools and in their communities.

A major percentage of America's children face the loss of the protection of the adult world, as grief issues of homicide violence and abuse infiltrate their outer and inner worlds. Issues involving shame and secretiveness when death is caused by such occurrences as suicide and the contraction of AIDS create a grieving child that is locked into the pain of isolation - which can be far more damaging than the original loss.

It is normal for a grieving child to:

  • Imitate behavior of the deceased.
  • Want to "appear normal."
  • Need to tell the story over and over again.
  • Enjoy wearing or holding something of loved one.
  • Speak of loved one in the present.
  • Tend to worry about health and health of surviving loved ones.
  • The bereaved child needs to acknowledge a parent or sibling who died by using his or her name or sharing a memory.
  • The bereaved child needs to tell his or her story over and over again.
  • The bereaved child needs to use tools such as drawing, writing, role-playing, and reenactment to safely project feelings and thoughts about the loss and present life outside of themselves.
  • The bereaved child needs to be allowed to go to a safe place ... when these unexpected, overwhelming feelings arise, without needing to explain why ...
  • The bereaved child often is preoccupied with his or her own health and the health of loved ones. Providing a reality check - such as allowing the child to phone the surviving parent during the school day or to visit the school nurse - can reassure boys and girls that they and their families are O.K.
  • The bereaved child needs to use memory work to create a physical way to remember their feelings and share them. Memory books are a collection of drawn or written feelings and thoughts that allow the child to re-experience memories in a safe way. The books serve as useful tools to enable children to tell about the person who died, and open discussion. Kids can tell about how the person died and share funny, happy or sad memories.

Excerpt from: Helping The Grieving Child In School

By Linda Goldman, Certified Grief Therapist and Grief Educator
Center for Loss and Grief Therapy

KidsPeace Healing Magazine,
Spring/Summer 1998 - Vol.3, No.1